I’m 38 weeks and 3 days today. Or 4 depending on which app I’m looking at. ANYWAYS, I am extremely stressed out. I have been so excited about having a home birth this entire time because I’ve seen so many awesome birth videos and heard so many awesome stories about it. Now I’m getting scared and I think maybe my stress levels are what’s either causing contractions or keeping the baby in.
I’m really stressed that I’m feeling this way and I KNOW it’s not just me making things up in my head, but any time I contact my midwife she’s just like, “Rest. The baby will come when he’s ready.” Yeah, I know that, obviously. But is there anything WRONG? Like, could he not be in the right position for birth? Could I be doing something to stall labor or even bring on prodromal labor? I’d just like some sort of answers. She is going to see me in a couple days though instead of waiting until next week so maybe I can at least get her to check and see if he’s engaged or SOMETHING.
Another thing stressing me out is James. I want to urge anyone who is having a home birth to MAKE SURE YOUR HUSBAND TAKES CLASSES! I’ve had babies before, he hasn’t. So he doesn’t quite understand the extent of things. For instance, I’ll be going through a contraction and he will be trying to talk to me about work. Like, I love you honey but when I’m having a contraction, please don’t talk to me.
And then yesterday I thought I was legitimately in labor (for real this time). My cervix hurt through every contraction all day, so I decided to take a bath which is actually supposed to make “false” contractions go away because it relaxes you. But they got way worse in the tub and I could feel a LOT of pain in my cervix. I was having a hard time getting out of the bath and tried not only yelling my husband’s name, but also calling and texting him. Nothing. So I managed to lift myself out of the tub between contractions.
When I was having very painful contractions at 1am, he was NOT happy that he had to be awake with me, and through every contraction he sat in the chair just staring at me. I feel like if he was more educated about the birthing process, he would understand that I’m not just trying to make his life harder, but this is HARD to go through on my own. When I was in pain, I thought “Yes, this is finally it!” But then things slowed way down because I was bawling my eyes out thinking I’d have to do it all alone, and are we really ready for him to come yet, etc.
By the time he actually apologized and started trying to help me out, the contractions slowed way down. Yet I was still in pain because my cervix is dilating/effacing (I know this because I’ve done a few self checks). I almost decided to pump to keep them going but I was so tired physically and emotionally at that point, I just wanted sleep.
But I’m really wondering if my stress levels and my resentment for my husband not being as involved as I’d hoped is what’s holding me back from actually going into labor. I did a meditation today to relax fully and I felt pretty good after that. But then I got more attitude today that totally put me back in the stressed out mindset. I’m scared that maybe I’ll never be calm enough to have this happen naturally.
Here are some symptoms I’ve been having through this whole prodromal labor process. Let me know if you’ve had similar situations because it is oddly comforting knowing that other people made it through the same types of things!
- Lost mucus plug 3 times in a week (no blood)
- Lack of appetite
- Contractions that last all day, progressing through the day (getting stronger everyday) and then when I lay down to go to sleep they eventually stop.
- Mood swings (mainly crying randomly and getting upset at myself for thinking I could really be in labor when it never leads to anything).
- Last night I started shaking with contractions but wasn’t cold.
- Sore lower back
- Feeling like my stomach is literally going to just fall off. The skin is so tight I don’t think it can grow anymore!
If I think of anything else I’ll let you guys know in my next video. But this is getting rough. I’m drained physically and emotionally and I’m ready to meet my baby!